I have started this post countless times in my mind. There has been an ache. A need to get so much out. To hash out the feelings and even a bit of the pain. So much can change so quickly. I am holding tight to my faith and the knowledge that there is a God that loves me and will nurture my silent needs even if they aren’t my wants. I am trying my best to discern the difference between those two, but sometimes those answers come in the most unexpected forms. They come whether we want them to or not. Or they don’t quite reveal themselves and unravel with time. God’s plan isn’t my plan and I am learning to be okay with that… even when I want to know why. Even when it isn’t my place to ask.
I again started a project and have been faithful taking images every day of the kids and of our daily lives, mostly with my phone at this point to keep accountable even though it hasn’t been easy. I fully intend to pick up where I left off. I need that creative outlet, but more than anything I need to document my children. I need to remember it all when memory fails me. You may have noticed I have gotten a bit quiet. In my quest to be transparent and open in hopes of maybe even helping anyone or touching anyone in any way I am going to keep accountable to that.
A tragedy struck our family in the recent days. One that I didn’t see coming. One that you never think will happen to you… until it does.
We had a miscarriage. The word itself is so ugly. I haven’t even been able to really say it out loud.
It was a brand new pregnancy. The promise of something special and fresh… of another a child. A child we have wanted so badly. We have this plan, you see. We have always wanted a big family for the most part since I can remember. And while we take each child as they come… each pregnancy as it has happened, each child has already been here in our very hearts from the beginning. So to lose one even at the very start… it is just so hard. The grief washes over me in waves. I have lost my center of gravity and had the wind knocked out of me, but I am strong and we will come out of this even if it takes time. Even if it hurts. I still have five beautiful, innocent sweet souls that need me. So I am making a very real raw effort to carry on. To find my way again. To seek light.
Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (NIV)
“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” (NLT)