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I have started this post countless times in my mind. There has been an ache. A need to get so much out. To hash out the feelings and even a bit of the pain. So much can change so quickly. I am holding tight to my faith and the knowledge that there is a God that loves me and will nurture my silent needs even if they aren’t my wants. I am trying my best to discern the difference between those two, but sometimes those answers come in the most unexpected forms. They come whether we want them to or not. Or they don’t quite reveal themselves and unravel with time. God’s plan isn’t my plan and I am learning to be okay with that… even when I want to know why. Even when it isn’t my place to ask.

I again started a project and have been faithful taking images every day of the kids and of our daily lives, mostly with my phone at this point to keep accountable even though it hasn’t been easy. I fully intend to pick up where I left off. I need that creative outlet, but more than anything I need to document my children. I need to remember it all when memory fails me. You may have noticed I have gotten a bit quiet. In  my quest to be transparent and open in hopes of maybe even helping anyone or touching anyone in any way I am going to keep accountable to that.

A tragedy struck our family in the recent days. One that I didn’t see coming. One that you never think will happen to you… until it does.

We had a miscarriage. The word itself is so ugly. I haven’t even been able to really say it out loud.

It was a brand new pregnancy. The promise of something special and fresh… of another a child. A child we have wanted so badly. We have this plan, you see. We have always wanted a big family for the most part since I can remember. And while we take each child as they come… each pregnancy as it has happened, each child has already been here in our very hearts from the beginning. So to lose one even at the very start… it is just so hard. The grief washes over me in waves. I have lost my center of gravity and had the wind knocked out of me, but I am strong and we will come out of this even if it takes time. Even if it hurts. I still have five beautiful, innocent sweet souls that need me. So I am making a very real raw effort to carry on. To find my way again. To seek light.

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Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (NIV)

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” (NLT)

February 2, 2015 - 6:12 pm

Beth Hardinger - I’m so sorry, Sarah. I had my first miscarriage in October 2008 and it still hurts today. I’m praying for peace.

February 2, 2015 - 6:29 pm

dianna lester - dear sweet sarah ~ we’ve actually already had this conversation last week by way of our inbox…
my heart hurts with you guys as I cannot even possibly imagine the ache and the sadness that surrounds you.
know that you are in the thoughts and prayers of so many, those who personally know you and those of us who get to know you with every single post and photograph.
your littles are so lucky to have you!!
may your family blossom and grow…
much love, dianna <3

February 2, 2015 - 6:36 pm

Lisa - i will be praying for you. I suffered one last year. It was very early but still very hard…

February 2, 2015 - 6:55 pm

Amy - Prayers for you <3

February 2, 2015 - 6:59 pm

Rachel - You’ve been heavy on my heart, praying for you and your sweet family.

February 2, 2015 - 7:33 pm

Cheri - Thinking of you and your sweet family, Sarah. Take care of you.

February 2, 2015 - 8:06 pm

Liz Godfrey - Thinking of you & sending hugs! xx

February 2, 2015 - 8:57 pm

Erin - oh, I am so, so sorry. You and your family will be in my prayers.

February 2, 2015 - 9:50 pm

Brooke - Our first 3 pregnancies were all losses, and have had one more inbetween the births of our daughter and son. It never got easier to handle. We did however plant trees to remember them all and seeing them grow and thrive makes it a bit more bareable. One is planted right outside our bedroom window with my hospital bracelet buried in the roots and dirt. This apple tree provides our room with shelter and amazing colors on sunny days. It has brought me back from many dark moments. When the minute becomes a tough one, grab one of your beautiful little beings and let their heartbeat heal the pain. 🙂

February 3, 2015 - 2:30 am

stephanie - sarah I put my head on the computer desk and cried. I too know the pain of the loss of something special and fresh.. i twice lost my “brand new start” early into the process… and at the time I was devastated and disheartened… and so so sad. I wanted to give up, but something said to try again… and I have my beautiful little Maëlle who holds my whole heart in her tiny hands. You are so blessed with so many talents and gifts and a beautiful family and a loving and giving heart…. thank you for sharing ALL of you with so many…. our thoughts and prayers are with you xoxo

February 3, 2015 - 4:58 am

Care - I am so sorry for your loss! Praying for you and your family. I wish I could sit with you and just give you a hug. No words but prayers going out to you and your family.

February 3, 2015 - 3:35 pm

Rose - I am thinking of you today! God will help you through your trials, he only allows these things to happen so you can be closer to him!

Lots of prayers will be headed your way. <3

~Rose

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