Another year is on it’s way. The seasons have noticeably changed much faster than I even think we anticipated. Our lives have all been rocked and shook and changed just as much in so many ways…most of them positive and of course with some of our own personal tragedies or circumstances. So is life though. When you have children you more or less expect this. You expect the rush and maybe a bit of the oblivion that happy exhaustion brings. Sometimes the exhaustion isn’t as happy and that is okay too. Some days I can’t string two thoughts together anyhow. Some days the words just seem to pour out and I have to articulate to someone and don’t know where to begin or how to really even communicate how I am feeling. That is mostly because I am a bit of a lonely introvert. I prefer the solitude most times. I prefer only the comfort of those closest to me… but that does catch up now and again. Sometimes I wonder if I am missing out because my normal isn’t what everyone else’s perceived normal is.
You see, I feel infinitely blessed by the life we lead. I am a gatherer. I hoard memories. Birthdays and Holidays and in between milestones and giggles and expressions and even the little facial expressions my kids make that I try to stuff away when they don’t realize I am looking. That I am noticing it all. And our life is messy and beautifully broken-a bit like myself, but I try everyday to be just a bit better so I know I am setting a better example for my children. Maybe even for my husband.
That’s all you can do, really.
This year was infused with busy and light and hope. This year was infused with so many feelings. So many emotions. It started with a hope. The hope of new life. And then our loss. I shared our loss here. I don’t know that I ever will be over that loss. I don’t think I need to be. Sometimes it just doesn’t even feel real, the lines blurred and fuzzy around the edges from the dulling of time. Then it comes rushing back sharp and true and I am reminded that it very well did happen. I am also a bit of a positive soul and I try to find the silver lining. The darkness did get in the creaks and crevices though and I found a very blue period. I put my camera down. I regret that. It was almost impossible to pick it back up. And it still has been hard. I am not sure why? I mean I WANT to document our family and our kids. I have just allowed work and business to swallow me because I am a bit of a self professed work-a-holic and I need the busy in some ways. I love that I do what I love. I lost this years worth of images though. I really didn’t document our family at all. That was the first time since I picked up my camera over a decade a go. This year I am trying again. Maybe not a project 365… I think I need to drop the labels and just open myself up to inspiration.
And many that follow our instagram or are a friend on Facebook may already know that after our loss we were blessed in the most beautiful of ways. As I am typing this our own sweet Rainbow baby is rolling and hiccuping away right under my heart. While my soul aches I won’t know their little brother or sister in this lifetime, I can’t wait to meet her or him. We decided ultimately to let the gender be a surprise so next month when they make their way into this world, we will know just who is joining our family. I do love surprises and there are so few in this lifetime this grand.
Anyhow, this blog has been weighing heavily on my heart lately. I think for my children- for my family and for myself, it’s important to really remember to document for US. We get one life here. This is part of our legacy.
And hopefully next time I post I will have some beautiful photos of our children to share. That is going to happen here too.
In the meantime, just a simple iPhone image.
There are nights like last night where the pregnancy insomnia takes over and I'm dragging my swollen body to the bathroom 5,6,7 times a night- and my saving grace is the anticipation and the love on the other side of it all. Then morning comes with a fresh start and a fresh perspective and I am just so thankful for this very swollen body that has produced the sweetest fruit nearly six times over. Six sweet souls to cherish and nourish. And this is my last time ever feeling these nudges and even the aches and creaks. This is the last time I'll feel my husband's hands cradle the curve of this belly and his baby just beneath my heart. And this journey ends with beginning of something even more amazing-the beginning of the rest of our lives. I'm going to hold on as tight as I can so when it's necessary- maybe just maybe I'll know how to let go. ❤️