I like to think of myself as a writer. Not necessarily a good writer have you, but alas I love to write. In fact I am much more comfortable expressing myself through words on paper (or on the internet if it doesn’t make it down in a traditional sense.) I am an affectionate person to my very core. A big heart on legs. I however do find that I can be a bit socially awkward and even may get a bit embarrassed trying to properly express myself to others face to face. I am a bit sensitive to put it lightly. I cry easily, but have the hardest time allowing myself that kind of emotion in front of others. Letters often suffice for this reason. They just have to.
I have written so many letters in my lifetime. Whether it was to be notes passed back and forth in class (when I probably should have been more attentive), or pages upon pages declaring and professing my love for my husband, or even letters to my children imparting little tidbits of wisdom of inspiration that I feel they need to know. I also have a morbid streak and am well aware of my mortality. I sometimes actually feel the need to get these words out there, some sort of record made in case I one day can not be here and the ones I love so dearly need reminding of just how special they are… especially to me.
I however am guilty of not writing letters to myself. I am the one behind the camera. I am the nurturer. I am the arms my children run into when they are hurt, or sick or happy. I am a mother, and a wife… but I am so much more.
I have a purpose.
God intends me for big things. I just believe that for all of us. I have a hard time sometimes accepting that for myself. I have a hard time accepting that I am completely worthy. I don’t know what these big things are yet. I can’t see that far ahead. I can only praise, and pray and plead with God that he show me some fine day and when that day comes that I am worthy of glorifying him and fulfilling this purpose. We all have our own walk. Our own special place and duty and calling. But I need to remember Jesus loves me so much that he gave his life for ME. Me as a daughter of God. My children and my husband as well, but for me. So tonight I am writing myself a letter. I am making it public so that it holds me accountable.
(Already seems silly but I digress.)
This is a letter to impart some much needed advice to the future me but also the me right in this moment. There are some things I am struggling with and I need to address them. I need to get past them. I need to expose the bad and in the same breath bring light to the good. I need to do this because I am so much more than my flaws. I am worth the effort, the praise and the reminder. I am responsible for forging the way for my children and teaching them their value and worth. I very well can’t do this if I don’t love myself the way I should.
Right now I find that I sometimes like to berate myself. I love to dwell on the imperfections. I love to worry and nit pick. I can’t do it all. I often will find myself thinking things like… well if I can find more time for this, or maybe if I was a bit more patient, or even if I could be just a bit more selfless.. or selfish. Sometimes I am guilty of thinking if maybe I was as talented as Jane (hypothetical Jane) or as successful as Sally (Yes, hypothetical Sally too lol!) I can better support my family, be a better business woman, be a bit more succesful myself. I don’t need to do it. I don’t need to do this. My kids are watching… I need to remember that I am human and imperfect and that is okay. I need to give it to GOD. I have a feeling in ten years this struggle will still be a pertinent one. If that is the case, let it go. Give it up. I simply was not meant to carry these burdens alone. Life is too short. Stress is dangerous.
I am blocking my blessings.
I am not doing anyone any favors, but I am not doing myself justice and I am not bringing glory to God wasting precious time on negativity. I am Sarah. I do not need to be Jane or Sally. I am enough.
There are two hands and one mind for a reason. Hold onto the ones you love and appreciate them for who they are. Stop putting unrealistic demands on everyone else. My moral standards aren’t everyone else’s. If someone does something hurtful it isn’t my fault. I am adequate. I also need to forgive those that hurt me and move on. Not everyone is meant to be my friend. Not everyone is going to like me. It hurts. Acknowledge that, pray for the other person and embrace those that do. On that same note be better so that it encourages others to hopefully be better around you. Let God work in others through you. It is possible. Don’t let the enemy tell me any different. Don’t forget to pray for your enemies. They need it too. They deserve it because God loves them just as much as he loves me.
Most importantly know that I am unique and precious. Hold on beloved. Stay strong. Be steady. Cherish this time as this moment will not last and these seconds won’t ever be repeated. Time is the one thing money just can not buy. Spend it wisely.
And because I don’t know how to really sign a letter from myself to myself I will just leave it on this note.
A good friend gave me a bible scripture that stuck with me and I like to refer back to any time I feel anxious or a bit sad or I just need a reassuring nudge that God is up there and he hears me.
New International Version (NIV)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Count your blessings always.