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So is life. And it’s a good one.

Another year is on it’s way. The seasons have noticeably changed much faster than I even think we anticipated. Our lives have all been rocked and shook and changed just as much in so many ways…most of them positive and of course with some of our own personal tragedies or circumstances. So is life though. When you have children you more or less expect this. You expect the rush and maybe a bit of the oblivion that happy exhaustion brings. Sometimes the exhaustion isn’t as happy and that is okay too.  Some days I can’t string two thoughts together anyhow. Some days the words just seem to pour out and I have to articulate to someone and don’t know where to begin or how to really even communicate how I am feeling. That is mostly because I am a bit of a lonely introvert. I prefer the solitude most times. I prefer only the comfort of those closest to me… but that does catch up now and again. Sometimes I wonder if I am missing out because my normal isn’t what everyone else’s perceived normal is.

You see, I feel infinitely blessed by the life we lead. I am a gatherer. I hoard memories. Birthdays and Holidays and in between milestones and giggles and expressions and even the little facial expressions my kids make that I try to stuff away when they don’t realize I am looking. That I am noticing it all. And our life is messy and beautifully broken-a bit like myself, but I try everyday to be just a bit better so I know I am setting a better example for my children. Maybe even for my husband.

That’s all you can do, really.

This year was infused with busy and light and hope. This year was infused with so many feelings. So many emotions. It started with a hope. The hope of new life. And then our loss. I shared our loss here. I don’t know that I ever will be over that loss. I don’t think I need to be. Sometimes it just doesn’t even feel real, the lines blurred and fuzzy around the edges from the dulling of time. Then it comes rushing back sharp and true and I am reminded that it very well did happen. I am also a bit of a positive soul and I try to find the silver lining. The darkness did get in the creaks and crevices though and I found a very blue period. I put my camera down. I regret that. It was almost impossible to pick it back up. And it still has been hard. I am not sure why? I mean I WANT to document our family and our kids. I have just allowed work and business to swallow me because I am a bit of a self professed work-a-holic and I need the busy in some ways. I love that I do what I love. I lost this years worth of images though. I really didn’t document our family at all. That was the first time since I picked up my camera over a decade a go. This year I am trying again. Maybe not a project 365… I think I need to drop the labels and just open myself up to inspiration.

And many that follow our instagram or are a friend on Facebook may already know that after our loss we were blessed in the most beautiful of ways. As I am typing this our own sweet Rainbow baby is rolling and hiccuping away right under my heart. While my soul aches I won’t know their little brother or sister in this lifetime, I can’t wait to meet her or him. We decided ultimately to let the gender be a surprise so next month when they make their way into this world, we will know just who is joining our family. I do love surprises and there are so few in this lifetime this grand.

Anyhow, this blog has been weighing heavily on my heart lately. I think for my children- for my family and for myself, it’s important to really remember to document for US. We get one life here. This is part of our legacy.

And hopefully next time I post I will have some beautiful photos of our children to share. That is going to happen here too.

In the meantime, just a simple iPhone image.

There are nights like last night where the pregnancy insomnia takes over and I'm dragging my swollen body to the bathroom 5,6,7 times a night- and my saving grace is the anticipation and the love on the other side of it all. Then morning comes with a fresh start and a fresh perspective and I am just so thankful for this very swollen body that has produced the sweetest fruit nearly six times over. Six sweet souls to cherish and nourish. And this is my last time ever feeling these nudges and even the aches and creaks. This is the last time I'll feel my husband's hands cradle the curve of this belly and his baby just beneath my heart. And this journey ends with beginning of something even more amazing-the beginning of the rest of our lives. I'm going to hold on as tight as I can so when it's necessary- maybe just maybe I'll know how to let go. ❤️

A photo posted by Sarah Cornish (@my4hens) on

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Unwritten

I have started this post countless times in my mind. There has been an ache. A need to get so much out. To hash out the feelings and even a bit of the pain. So much can change so quickly. I am holding tight to my faith and the knowledge that there is a God that loves me and will nurture my silent needs even if they aren’t my wants. I am trying my best to discern the difference between those two, but sometimes those answers come in the most unexpected forms. They come whether we want them to or not. Or they don’t quite reveal themselves and unravel with time. God’s plan isn’t my plan and I am learning to be okay with that… even when I want to know why. Even when it isn’t my place to ask.

I again started a project and have been faithful taking images every day of the kids and of our daily lives, mostly with my phone at this point to keep accountable even though it hasn’t been easy. I fully intend to pick up where I left off. I need that creative outlet, but more than anything I need to document my children. I need to remember it all when memory fails me. You may have noticed I have gotten a bit quiet. In  my quest to be transparent and open in hopes of maybe even helping anyone or touching anyone in any way I am going to keep accountable to that.

A tragedy struck our family in the recent days. One that I didn’t see coming. One that you never think will happen to you… until it does.

We had a miscarriage. The word itself is so ugly. I haven’t even been able to really say it out loud.

It was a brand new pregnancy. The promise of something special and fresh… of another a child. A child we have wanted so badly. We have this plan, you see. We have always wanted a big family for the most part since I can remember. And while we take each child as they come… each pregnancy as it has happened, each child has already been here in our very hearts from the beginning. So to lose one even at the very start… it is just so hard. The grief washes over me in waves. I have lost my center of gravity and had the wind knocked out of me, but I am strong and we will come out of this even if it takes time. Even if it hurts. I still have five beautiful, innocent sweet souls that need me. So I am making a very real raw effort to carry on. To find my way again. To seek light.

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Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (NIV)

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” (NLT)

February 2, 2015 - 6:12 pm

Beth Hardinger - I’m so sorry, Sarah. I had my first miscarriage in October 2008 and it still hurts today. I’m praying for peace.

February 2, 2015 - 6:29 pm

dianna lester - dear sweet sarah ~ we’ve actually already had this conversation last week by way of our inbox…
my heart hurts with you guys as I cannot even possibly imagine the ache and the sadness that surrounds you.
know that you are in the thoughts and prayers of so many, those who personally know you and those of us who get to know you with every single post and photograph.
your littles are so lucky to have you!!
may your family blossom and grow…
much love, dianna <3

February 2, 2015 - 6:36 pm

Lisa - i will be praying for you. I suffered one last year. It was very early but still very hard…

February 2, 2015 - 6:55 pm

Amy - Prayers for you <3

February 2, 2015 - 6:59 pm

Rachel - You’ve been heavy on my heart, praying for you and your sweet family.

February 2, 2015 - 7:33 pm

Cheri - Thinking of you and your sweet family, Sarah. Take care of you.

February 2, 2015 - 8:06 pm

Liz Godfrey - Thinking of you & sending hugs! xx

February 2, 2015 - 8:57 pm

Erin - oh, I am so, so sorry. You and your family will be in my prayers.

February 2, 2015 - 9:50 pm

Brooke - Our first 3 pregnancies were all losses, and have had one more inbetween the births of our daughter and son. It never got easier to handle. We did however plant trees to remember them all and seeing them grow and thrive makes it a bit more bareable. One is planted right outside our bedroom window with my hospital bracelet buried in the roots and dirt. This apple tree provides our room with shelter and amazing colors on sunny days. It has brought me back from many dark moments. When the minute becomes a tough one, grab one of your beautiful little beings and let their heartbeat heal the pain. 🙂

February 3, 2015 - 2:30 am

stephanie - sarah I put my head on the computer desk and cried. I too know the pain of the loss of something special and fresh.. i twice lost my “brand new start” early into the process… and at the time I was devastated and disheartened… and so so sad. I wanted to give up, but something said to try again… and I have my beautiful little Maëlle who holds my whole heart in her tiny hands. You are so blessed with so many talents and gifts and a beautiful family and a loving and giving heart…. thank you for sharing ALL of you with so many…. our thoughts and prayers are with you xoxo

February 3, 2015 - 4:58 am

Care - I am so sorry for your loss! Praying for you and your family. I wish I could sit with you and just give you a hug. No words but prayers going out to you and your family.

February 3, 2015 - 3:35 pm

Rose - I am thinking of you today! God will help you through your trials, he only allows these things to happen so you can be closer to him!

Lots of prayers will be headed your way. <3

~Rose

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Blind Faith.

We are making preparations for another move.

When we moved into the house we currently rent, I was fairly sure this would be it. This would have to be it.

It felt “homey” enough. The backyard with the fence, the security of suburbia and even the slight view of the foothills behind our house. I was cozy and pretty content if I do say so. You see, I am not a fan of moving (as most aren’t). We also figured we had no plans of having another wee baby in the house anytime soon. Plans of course change. We change. God is however constant.

Before we knew it, we had outgrown this home and it wasn’t going to be sufficient to comfortably house us all. While I am a firm subscriber to wherever we are all at together, that happens to be our true “home”, I  quickly realized something had to give. I can feel God closing this door to open another. I am relying on blind faith and God’s grace to get us through.

Here we are nearly three years later, searching and looking and trying to find the right place for us to live. My husband works in a fairly rural (okay Ghost town is a bit more accurate ha!) area in Colorado now, so we know that we can’t stray to far from there. We have entertained Wyoming as well as just staying in our same town or the bordering areas. Sure, there are houses out there. Some just barely out of grasp. Some more costly than others. Some that I have swooned over and then quickly had to forget for one reason or another. The problem I know is… they aren’t mine. We just aren’t yet ready to purchase a home. The stars have not quite aligned and when they do happen to, and we are ready- I want to be smart. I want to be sure it is the right thing for not just my husband and I, but our children.  When you are a parent of five (or just one), you have the schools to consider. The neighborhood. The safety and size. Add our dogs in the mix and well, we really DO need an act of God right now.

I am not a “fancy” gal. I don’t need an abundance of trinkets or fine things to make me happy. Maybe just a few big windows and a place for the children to be content and feel comfortable. Good schools and the potential for good friends.

We have now seen two different houses and have our sights on a third. I have loved each honestly for different reasons. The first two didn’t stick so I am honestly praying that third will. I am feeling a bit run down already and haven’t begun yet to pack and there is just so much work ahead of us. I know that I need to stay strong and know that in a year from now this will all have been a blur. One way or another we will be in a new place. God has the reigns here.

I suppose the point of this post is this…

Change is hard. I am so grateful however that I have a God I can lean on. A God that already knows where we will be living. Where we will be moving. He has the perfect place for our family and he has us in the palm of his hand. I struggle sometimes with letting go. I let stress overwhelm me and try to will God to reveal his plans before he may be ready. Sometimes I even find that I mistake my plans for God’s plans. There is always a lesson.

I am putting this out here because I know there is a testimony in all this. I know that there is something on the brink that is more wonderful than I can comprehend.  Because when I internalize things and assume that burden alone. the enemy has an easier way of speaking his lies and casting doubt and insecurity all around us. God has not failed us yet.

I am sharing my struggles to keep myself accountable. I am sharing because I believe in the power of prayer.

Pray for us, friends?

Matthew 11:28-30

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
May 13, 2014 - 5:20 pm

Kellie - Sarah just this morning my bible study (ifequip.com) was over acts 3:1-10. Somebody pointed out that all the lame man wanted was a few coins…but he was healed instead. Praying for God’s great big beautiful blessings to overwhelm you.

May 14, 2014 - 1:38 pm

Admin - Thank you so much, Kellie!! I truly can’t tell you how much that means to me! <3

May 14, 2014 - 3:27 pm

aniya - sarah you have the power of your family to take you anywhere you need to go… hold on to that..

you are in my thoughts.
xx aniya

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Our March 2014 in Photos

I am still continuing on with our Project 365. Here is a photo a day for March.

60/365 Exposed /P52 Color Blind

61/365 Super Daddy (and baby)

62/365 The Happy Game

63/365 Wanderlust

64/365 My Sunshines

65/365 Chompers

66/365 Rainy Day Sillies

67-365 Four little birds

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70/365

71/365 Big Blue Eyes

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April 8, 2014 - 11:20 pm

Kimberly - Incredible photos! I love your blog.

April 10, 2014 - 4:17 pm

aniya - looking at this post (and all of them) just make me smile.. really, genuine joy when i see your family!

April 10, 2014 - 7:16 pm

Debbie Wibowo - You are an inspiration!

April 11, 2014 - 6:53 pm

Charlotte Wise - You are amazing. What wonderful captures x

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